


I Found A Reason

by ominousrum



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/M, a little bit of fluffy angst, flangst as it were, my first time writing Philinda so I hope I do them justice, s5 spoilery spec fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-14
Updated: 2018-01-14
Packaged: 2019-03-04 13:22:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13365591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ominousrum/pseuds/ominousrum
Summary: It’s all he can do to keep his eyes on her face as disappointment clouds it – she always could read him instantly.





	I Found A Reason

**Author's Note:**

> A moderate amount of angst because we don’t have enough, right?
> 
> Dedicated to and inspired by arthurconan-doyle‘s beautiful Philinda artwork
> 
> Title taken from the Velvet Underground song..

It was different this time, though he supposed it always was. Audrey had been a choice – severing his ties for the greater good. (She was worth it, always). Rosalind had been taken from him, ripped away before they could navigate into deeper waters (he had no doubt they would have). He should have known separating from Melinda May would be harder. 

Coulson smiled sadly at the thought it wasn’t the first time she’d disappeared from his life. But he knew the next time would have to be the last.

Fitz had sent her to the surface to save her from certain death in the arena, muttering under his breath how May would likely kill him for his words. Coulson nodded while worry simmered just under his skin. Fitz had every confidence Enoch would get to her before she ended up as dinner to some alien creature, and the small shred of hope would have to do.

Once they all managed to get to the surface, Coulson was surprised how eerily quiet it was. He’d half expected the hum of alien life to fill the air. So quiet in fact, he swore he heard a distinct grimace of pain when they stumbled upon the entrance to an underground shelter.

May was standing near the door when they entered, suspicion evident in her steely gaze as she reviewed her rescuers. Coulson wasted no time pushing past the rest of the party and a quizzical man he assumed was Enoch to pull her into his arms.

“May…” he breathed into her hair. Her arms tightened around him a moment before she shifted uncomfortably on her injured leg.

“Tell me you’ve found a way home-“ she said as they broke apart. It’s all he can do to keep his eyes on her face as disappointment clouds it – she always could read him instantly. 

***

 

The days spent on the surface pass slowly, but Coulson is hesitant to let a routine develop. He doesn’t want to let his guard down, especially with what he knows he’ll need to do.

Fitzsimmons come up with theory after theory how the team can go home which Robin – the little girl whose father they tried to save just a couple of years ago, now in her mid-eighties – and Enoch are quick to dismiss. Meanwhile May and Daisy are recovering from their injuries, both barely keeping their spirits up and their restlessness contained.

Talk of paradoxes and timelines is too much to follow, but Coulson knows the gleam in Fitz’s eye when he‘s onto something and the confidence in Simmons’ demeanor when she’s explaining something she knows to be true. Things fall into place and while the rest of the team is excited and hopeful, May catches the slightest hint of sadness in his face and he knows the jig is up.

He nearly lets out a laugh as she gives him a pointed look and gestures to the other room. If only they had time for other things than difficult conversations.

“What’s going on, Coulson?”

He pauses, opening his mouth to the denial on his tongue before promptly closing it. He wouldn’t waste any more minutes on excuses.

“I’m not going with you,” he admitted.

“What are you talking about? You want to _stay_ in this nightmare?” she balks.

“I owe a debt, May. I have for a very long time. I just didn’t expect it to get cashed in quite like this.”

“Coulson-“ May warns, her eyes betraying the threat in her voice with quiet pleading.

“I shouldn’t even be alive, _Daisy_ shouldn’t be alive – I couldn’t control what happened to me but from then on I only made the debt larger,” Coulson sighed.

“Remember what I said about being fatalistic? This is certainly taking it to another level,” May seethed.

“Usually I’d admit to being dramatic for the sake of it, but this is just where things are.”

“So you’re giving up.”

“I don’t want to, May, believe me. I want-“ Coulson swayed closer to her. In truth he wanted nothing more than to pretend nothing else mattered but holding her until the universe stopped existing. But it wasn’t that simple.

“Then don’t.” She let her hand rest on his forearm, fingers curling into the cuff of his shirt.

“We never did have that talk, did we?” Coulson tilted his head, lips edging closer to the bridge of her nose.

“There always seems to be a million reasons not to.” Her other hand finds its way to his chest and he steadies a hand on her hip. He thinks of their undercover op as a married couple and how dancing felt so natural with his hand on her waist. A glimpse of another life.

It wasn’t a life he deserved now, though.

He’s just about to rock back on his heels and pull away when her lips meet his, soft but determined. He lets himself sink into the kiss. His traitorous mind can’t help but compare it to the kiss he shared with fake May but his heart is soothed with the realization that this one is a thousand times better. It’s perfect and natural and a long time coming.

There’s a smile on her lips as they part and he wants to savour the sight.

“I can’t lose you,” Coulson whispers, the words sounding far more hollow than the meaning flowing through his veins.

“Who said anything about losing anyone?” May wraps her hand around the back of his neck and he thinks he might as well be liquid for all intents and purposes.

“You said it yourself, May – you’ve been through so much. _I’ve_ put you through far too much. I can’t ask you to stay with me if it means your life gets added to my tally.”

_A life spent, a life earned_ , he thinks bitterly.

“I know the risks. I’ve _known_ the risks since I started. I don’t stay out of some antiquated notion of honour.” May huffs, fixing him a challenging stare.

“You’ve earned a night in your own bed. Away from all of this.”

“I didn’t mean a bed on an Earth without you in it, Phil.”

“May-“

“And you know damn well it isn’t new – no prophecy or deals with demons is going to change that.”

He surprises them both by kissing her, eager to chase whatever fleeting happiness they have. It’s enough for now and maybe it isn’t just his own fate thrown into the mix. Maybe he can’t repay the world anything without her by his side. She’s always been enough.

They walk back to their team, limbs orbiting just a bit nearer to each other than normal, a warmth spreading through them.

“I’m guessing we don’t really need to have that talk now, but there is one thing I feel like you should know.”

May raises an eyebrow and waits for him to continue.

“I may have sort of kissed your LMD when I thought it was you…” Coulson winces slightly, bracing himself for the fallout.

May startles a moment, then presses her lips into a thin line.

“Still not as bad as you drinking the bottle of Haig.”


End file.
